Im pretty tired

I have no earthly idea what my body is doing right now but it wont sleep. I'm practically awake the entire time I'm sleeping. I have thought throughout the whole night that I can consciously change to another subject and all the while, I swear, I'm asleep. I "wake up" every ten to fifteen minutes like its the beginning of the next day. And its gotten so bad, I get too tired to go to sleep because it only makes me more tired. Get that!!! Anyway, I've been shaking all day and my face looks like it got hit with a baseball hat. So, in turn, I look pretty similar to Tina turner on a bad day...Or a crack addict...Either one. heh.

Now, I don't know if this experience makes one more coherent or less BUT i feel like ive earned an insight to something. God is there. So, that may seem kind of ridiculous and redundant to hear but, well, it shouldn't. Have you ever been to that place...where you know God is real, you know you believe in Him, but He's just not....there anymore. You don't hear his voice like you used to. It's been like that for a long time now for me. And i don't know if that means i did something terrible and distinctively wrong to deserve it, because i probably did, or if its just a random test, but I do know that it is hard as all gettup!!!! You want Him. You ask Him for Him but it seems like it never comes. Ive tried everything to make it right but it just wont come. And see, this is what i realized today. Blessed Be His Name anyway. Praise God even when you get angry with Him. Praise God because youre angry with Him. I "knew" that but i didn't. See, I did "praise" Him but in reality it was because i wanted something out of it. I wanted security again, i wanted everything i wanted and to get that, i was willing to "praise" Him even when i was furious. But that's not what He meant. He wants us to give up. He wanted me to give up completely. He wanted me to think this....and I finally did.... :

"God, i know im probably not going to get anything i wanted. i know im not going to be where i want to be or be there when i want to be there. i know that what i want is not what you want. and even though that really upsets me, You deserve praise for keeping me from it. You deserve praise for bringing pain to me, because its better to not have what i want now, and gain You, then to get what i want and gain only myself. I give up. I give it all to You, not becuase I want something out of it, but becuase i want nothing in return. I don't deserve anything in return. Even if i don't get any closer to You, i don't get to a better place with You, or i still cant feel You, at least i'll get to praise You. At least i'll get to know that i knew you once. I'll still get the promise of heaven with You. Because this is all that matters...You."

I don't know if thats confusing or anything, but thats what it is. Im sure youve heard something similar to it before. I guess it just took me a while to really grasp it.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will sayBlessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I guess the biggest thing is, He knows when your being honest about praising Him...even when youre lying to yourself.